Chronicles of a Wannabe Skank

This is an experiment.  I am a scientist, and it is the nature of my work to gather information, make observations, and really throw myself into the field.

So typically when I am living my life as a singleton, looking for love, I make it a point to NOT have anything compromising on my profile (aside from being me).  Due to a major babe shortage, and an influx of loser trying to get with this*, I decided to shake up my account, you know, really add some WOW factors.

Afterall, this is all about being more attractive, or appealing to the opposite sex.

I tweaked just one little thing on my profile - "looking for section."  This is a polite section, as I am not really able to express my interest in a 6'3, super fox of the century.  It merely states that I am interested in a straight man, despite my high school endeavors, 25-31 (no scrubs), and that I am looking for new friends, and long-term dating.

This is how the updates chronicled:

 8:54 PM, not a single text message to respond to, phone on the verge of dying.  Survey says: Basic Bitch.  At this time I began my decent into the debaucherous realm of casual sex.

11:29 AM, still textless.  OKCupid popularity has increased like 300%, though. Pathetic battery.

 

 4:18 PM, OKCupid interest has continued to grow, received an email (probably spam), might have charged my phone for five minutes.

9:12 PM, charging my phone.  Have reached Pittsburgh appeal peak. Satisfied, but still not cool or attractive "in real life."

 12:07 AM, business trip to Columbus, OH.  Someone texted me.  Still awake, charging my phone.  Whole new level of hotness.  Moral of the story, Ohio gets me.  Moving.  Also, new picture, comments include "National Geographic Eyes," end comment.

So, what I have learned in this experiment is, put out, hypothetically, or get out.

Update - did not put out, still alone.  Laughed a lot, though.  Someday I will share some advances.

xoxo, Katie

*

Still really sorry about sexting your mom

Yes, you are reading the bold section of this picture correctly... someone, a gentleman, I must presume, due to the predicament he has found himself in, was introduced to MY blog as a saving grace!  I hope he found the guidance he was looking for, although, I doubt it very much.  Although this cry for help probably went unanswered, it has inspired me to be a more well rounded writer, observer, and researcher.  I want to be the type of person that does assist an individual when his or her sexts are sent to the wrong person (say an innocent mother of a friend, just for example), homemade tape of some hanky panky fun and Power Ranger re-runs ends up online, or alas, dick pics are discovered by a terrified mom, dad, sibling, or dog.

I imagine the way that I am feeling now is the exact emotion Mother Teresa, or Gandhi felt, at the beginning of their spiritual journey.  So long I have begged for a purpose in life, and here it is: A sexual mentor for the unfortunate.  Many of my research will need to be secondhand, mostly because the "sexiest" picture I have ever sent anyone was a Snapchat of me eating a Popsicle, and a sex tape, well, yeah, that's never going to happen, BUT, this is my pledge - All of my research intentions will be pursued in a professional manner that is more helpful than degrading.

An explanation of this picture. First and foremost, blue, as it is known in nature, is the greatest flavor, second, because I know you wanted to see it, and lastly, because my hands are actually the size of Hulk's fist when I am not angry.

Suggestions, desperate pleas for help, and donations can be sent to my office:

The Summit
200 Shiloh St
Pittsburgh, PA 15211

Please, no texts - The Summit is having a problem with some delinquent sending group texts to Jenga block victims.  These texts have been known to contain terrifying pictures of an unidentified creature.

Said wild delinquent may or may not be me, but the creature definitely is not. 

Okay, it was me, and I am actually not welcome at The Summit anymore, so do not send me mail there, instead Facebook me if your schlong has gone viral.

Bai,

Katye $$

Dick pics, and Sugar Daddies, and STD's OH MY! Craigslist: An Exposé.

I have not been feeling very motivated to write lately.  Actually, that may or may not be true.  I love writing this blog, whether anyone reads it or not.  Sometimes I think it is the only way I am really ever going to achieve self-actualization.  Anyway, it has been a long time.  My life has been relatively boring, and I am really on a sabbatical from looking for a man friend, or anything of the sort.  My OkCupid account was deactivated for sometime; a girl can only take so many losers as her "best matches" before it begins to take a toll on her mental health, after all, and Match, well, let's just say it is a huge toss up whether is was a bigger waste of $50.00 than my Weight Watchers online membership, or LA Fitness for that matter.

Back to the point.  Because of this writer's block, I began racking my brain for topics that could be fun, entertaining, racy, and of course, at the extent of someone else.  Then it hit me.  All this characteristics are an equation.  An equation with only one solution - CRAIGSLIST PERSONALS!  Who would I rather get verbally weird with than a complete stranger!?  No one, that's who.  The anonymous nature of the internet allows individuals to be exactly who they actually are.  It is a safe zone, and when responding to a complete stranger, without a profile detailing exactly who is who, it is a magical mystery ride of disease ridden love.

My posts were generic enough that I was able to be honest - like I referred to myself as a "BBW," just for giggles.  No pictures, because that's embarrassing.  Probably let it spill that I was drunk, and out and about.  Really just a line asking if anyone wanted to hang out.  Nothing overtly sexual, or in the pursuit of getting laid... but maybe I will have to post something like that next time... mental note.

The responses were outrageous, in every sense of the word.  Within an hour, I was bombarded with over 130 responses, and towards the end, it was closer to 350 (there were approximately 348 emails moved to my "personal" folder).  I was able to see the responders' names, in many cases, and that lead to Google and Facebook investigations.  Some of the results were astounding.  One guy, who has not mentioned in his response to my ad had HIV!  Honestly, that is very unfortunate, and I feel for him, but it was not even something that he mentioned in his message to me - it was found from a Google search, which is unacceptable.  A lot of men were married with children.  There were a number of sugar daddies, inquiring about my tastes, and if I were able to travel with them - uhhh, yeah right.  Many, in their responses, also sent me pictures, both of their head, and their, um, heads, if you know what I mean.  It was pretty offensive.

I am not here to judge any of these men... Were most of them creepy, disgusting, slovenly, misogynistic, etc.?  Yes, absolutely, but as I like to say, to each HIS own.  The real mystery of this all was, WHERE THE HELL ARE THESE MEN WHEN I AM OUT, because truth be told, no one is trying to get with me then.  I am sure anyone not responding to a Craigslist ad is immediately 100% more appealing than one who is trolling the casual encounters instead of hanging out with friends, family, pets ANYTHING.

So with these messages, I thought I would comply a little "fast fact" sheet for you - just in case any of you want to try it out!

It should also be noted that I requested that those responding not be: Rapists, Murders, the Craiglist killer,  creeper, or older than 32.

Popular phrases/questions:

"Why not?"
"Are you real?"
"What's wrong with you?"
"Send me a pic"
"420 friendly" - so many guys had "some good shit"
"You're not a hooker, are you?"
"Interested in a couple?"

Most popular look was:

Terrible facial hair, or God awful goatee, God awful tattoos, and God awful jorts.  And dear Lord, when they were wearing a shirt, or something more than a wife-beater, so many Yinzer inspired jerseys, and tees. Oh, or it was a tapout tee.  It was like Rivertowne in North Shore before a Pirates' game.  Pittsburgh dudes are a dime a dozen.

Photo Analysis

Note: I would like to thank www.kidszone.ed.gov for helping me to make this graph.

 

So you know, a total of 149 sender, included pictures.   Of those 149 pictures, 93 were dick pictures, which gives us our percentage of dick pics received of 62.42%.  Math is fun.

Alright, well I haven't really written a blog in like two months, so this was exhausted, and I can only go through the filth in my Personal folder so many times.  Maybe there will be a follow-up, maybe there won't.  Believe it or not, I am going to give Craigslist personals two thumbs DOWN.  The sad thing is, I am not convinced that it is much safer, or less sketchy than any other form of online dating.

Later hookers,

XOXO,

Bet you didn't know I could bake, too.  Wifey material, heyyyyyy!

The Song "Birthday Sex" Always Made Me Terribly Uncomfortable, But Not "I Just Had Sex."

In honor of my very spinster 25th birthday, I would like you to "pour one out" at some point tonight, as a good-bye to my youth.

Being single forever is no longer a joke - it's a lifestyle!

But in all honesty, today has been pretty awesome; I've conned my co-workers and friends into showering me with gifts and food, wine and coffee.  Tonight I'll be returning to my roots in the good old Village of Slippery Rock for a birthday dinner, joined with the only gender who can stand me - women (in their defense, they, and their mothers, are the best women I know).

 

Cheers! Birthday Cheers, those are!

P.S. Don't even think about wishing me a Happy Birthday, because you are nowhere as important as this one I already received.  #Blessed #EHarmony #Holla.

Yours always,

HMU @Sexy25fromHogwarts

Help Me, I'm Poor. What Desperate Looks Like!

So because I HATE Match.com so much, I thought I would try EHarmony, as it actual takes into consideration what type of person you are, opposed to whether or not you think antique shopping is an adequate way to spend your time.  God I hate Match, I can't believe I paid for that garbage.  Anyway, I made a profile, used a kind of cute picture from a few years/pounds ago (whatever, I'm an internet troll, sue me), filled out their hot to cold questionnaire, and let my free profile go live.  Because I am not trying to pay for anything ever again (thanks cable, for eating all of my extra funds!), and my because of my hatred for Match, I decided that seeing the pictures of my potential suitors wasn't that important to me - it's like modern day online BLIND dating! 

 So out of nowhere, these seemingly nice, faceless man named Michael sends me a message, and through EHarmony's icebreakers, we got to know the bare minimum about each other.  For example, I know that he likes the Goonies, Sidney Crosby, and Las Vegas (the city, not the television show).  And of course, most importantly, he is at least 6'0"...dreamy!  Finally, we reached the part where he is allowed to send me a message, and he swept me off my feet with "Hi Katie, how are you today."  I wrote him a sexually casual Friday message back, just to let him know I'm DTF (definitely and totally fun), and EHarmony decided to COCKBLOCK me! 

After searching for EHarmony coupon/promo codes for so long, with no success, I give up, and gravel at the feet of EHarmony's Social Media person.  No response.  I even threw Match.com under the bus and NOTHING.  Only the dear, sweet baby child in the picture below my post really understands my frustration.  But not really, because I think he is excited for Penguins' hockey, and everyone in Pittsburgh adores him, so yeah, never mind, we have nothing in common. 

 

EHarmony, at this time, has chosen to not respond to my Twitter plea, so, if you need me, or want me ;), I will just be chilling here, all poor and whatever.  Seriously $60.00 for one month to maybe find a nice guy to talk to me?  Forget about it!  I am going to spend that at an office happy hour tonight, and hopefully end up at Bar 11, where I will let a stranger draw at cat mask on me with a highlighter!  Same investment, right?

 

 KatyeKat37 <- My current AIM screenname, if you want to chat during office hours.

P.S. if you find any current, and essentially free EHarmony promo codes, please send them to me; Michael might be an EHarmony employee, but he could also be my soul mate, without your help, or donation, we may never know.

I get more emails from Pizza Hut than Match.com

Hello my babies! Have you missed me?  I've missed you <3.  I have not been feeling particularly motivated to write anything lately, as I have only had the same misguided, non-committed, "rendezvous" that I have only really ever had in the past year, with the exception of my poor OkCupid victim (remember that one time I was a female scumbag)?

In an attempt to move on with my life, I have move actively been trying to put myself out there, but only in the sense that I will let men who I don't find 100% repulsive talk to me.  They are few and far between, but on occasion, it does happen.  But in a REAL attempt to put myself out there, and right on the heels of another friend's engagement, I decided to join the legal online world of prostitution, Match.com.  I would only be embarrassed of admitting this if I had any success in the matter, but don't worry, I haven't.  Viva la Beer-Flavored Nipples spinster blog.  Sure, it's only been two full days that I have had my profile, but when you know, you know.

How do I know, you may ask.  Well, it is quite quantitative, and scientific - the ratio of Match.com interest emails, to Pizza Hut, is 1 to 37.  This numbers may or may not be exaggerated, I don't know, I am not actually a scientist, or a mathematician.

Here is what I have taken from Match.com so far.

1. The guys are OLD.  Look, I am in no way experienced enough in life, or any other aspect pertaining to a relationship to be shacked up with a 37 year old.  In all honesty, I should probably move to a state where it is legal for an adult to date a 16 year old.

2. There are just guys TROLLING the site - waiting for new profiles.  I guess if I paid for a year subscription to the service, I, too, would be going hard.  I would have backups for my backups.  Ain't nobody got the time or money for failed online relationships!  For example, a friend simultaneous signed up for the site with me (she's cute so I have much higher hopes for her), and this guy sent us both IDENTICAL messages.  Desperate!

 Hey Adam, I do get that ALL of the time, that's why I am on Match.com... Anyway, I noticed you sent this same message, word for word to my friend.  So I am going to let my girls from Destiny's Child take the rest of this response away:

Okay, so I wanted it to be the "Say my name" chorus loop, whatever, you get the point.  Please, make an effort to at least pretend you read my profile, or care what I am interested in.  I am not interested in your copy and paste advances.

3. The "matches" are so generic, it's sickening.  And stupid.
Example, me filling out the profile: "Do you like antique shops?" - Match.com, "Um, I guess so, they are alright...?"

WHOA NOW!  FOUND MY FUCKING SOULMATE!

4.  ALL OF THE DUDES ARE 5'6.  ALL OF THEM.  Like, sorry, no.  If you are allowed to specify that you want a girl with a "toned, athletic" build, or something of the sort, then I have no problems telling your short ass to take a hike.  You better be at least 6'0, or Marc-Andre Fleury.

That's all for now :).  I think in the long run I will stick with OkCupid, at least those guys can make me laugh.  And we all know my slogan, "if it's free, it's for me."  You are going to find the same weirdos regardless of which online dating site you use.  You just have to sift through the losers, roll with the punches and trust your instincts.  If you get the vibe that a guy, or girl for my endowed, and lesbian readers, is a tool, he or she is probably a tool.


As for me, I decided to seek real professional help, a Tarot Card Reader.  I know these readings are subjective, but I think things look promising.

Bonus!!  My OkCupid favorites <3

Obvious reasons.  He was less bored and horny for the rest of the transaction.

This guy was actually really nice, and we had a good conversation.  He also has a cat named Conan "The Barbarian" O'Brien.  I know, be still my heart, right?  But he thinks fat people are annoying, and doesn't think his children should believe in Santa, and above all else, he doesn't think it's important to dress up for Halloween EVERY year.  I also tried to set him up with my best friend, which he thought was weird.  I just knew it would never work out between us... I was trying to be helpful!  He has read my blog though, so I hope you find this appropriate if you read again!

Um, I gave this guy my number.  I don't know either.  It's probably because his profile picture is the logo for Mad Mex's Gobblerito, and I am about that.

I'm outtie :).  Hopefully something good happens to me in the near future so I don't go a month without writing again!  Bottling up one's feelings is never a good thing!

xoxo,

Katye

Expectations vs. Reality #MCM

Here is a fun little game I like to play.  Expectations vs. Reality.  We all remember that super charming, yet sad scene in 500 Days of Summer?  Perfect!  I will demonstrate how the game works in an everyday activity (or once a year in the case of the example), and then elaborate.

Katye's Date Night

In both my expectation, and my date's, I am darling, well dressed and absolutely lovely.  In reality, I am Snooki, and he is double fisting.

Get it?  Good!  We can move on to...

Expectations vs. Reality #MCM edition!

 

Fantastic Foursome

Expectation

 Reality

 Lifelong Sex Partner

Expectation - Experienced Giver

Reality -Inexperienced Taker

 Romantic Gestures

 Expectation - Nerdy Advances

 

Reality -  Rude Rejection

 Masculine cat lover to share my home with

 Expectation - He treats cats like people. 

Reality - There is no man.

 

Shared Common Interests 

Expectation - Real admiration of pizza, and afraid of roller coasters

Reality -  Doesn't respect my hopes and dreams

 A real understanding of me

Expectation - Loving my faults and flaws 

Reality - Labeling me as needy, with too high of standards

Expectation/Reality

 That's all for today :)

xoxo, Me!

 About me:

Optimist when I'm drinking.

Pessimist when I'm hurting.

Realist when my doctor tells me to stop bringing Ziplock bags into the Chinese buffet.

A Very Manly Valentine's Day - Come for the Beer and the Bitches.

Guys can be lonely around the holiday of love, too, which is why I feel like my OkCupid profile stock has been through the roof as of lately.  My profile must have that something that reads, "Hey!  Message me, regardless of our uncommon interests, or general unlikeness," which means I am doing something right, because that follows pretty close to my real life romantic mishaps and encounters.  Here are some recent suitors, and some of my thoughts.  Typically I don't respond at all, to anyone, because no one is normal, and most of them obviously only clicked on my profile to look at my pictures (and my pictures are all lies), the grammar is horrendous, and I could not imagine a life texting with someone who does actively use capital letters, apostrophes, and punctuation, and they are "looking for" casual sex, or something equally as strange.  Look, I am not prowling the internet for casual sex - you take your disease ridden ass elsewhere!

 Oh Mike, what can I say... I accidentally clicked on your profile.  My bad. 

 Nope.

 I actually don't have anything bad to say about this guy.  The note was well written, and he was interesting in terms of his profile.  I can tell that he actually read and comprehended (I know I shouldn't be that impressed with this, but I am giving him credit).  I scanned his profile, and there is not much that we actually have in common, but maybe I will send him a Happy Valentine's Day, just as a Pittsburgh welcome.  Maybe it was the 3:45 sent time that deferred me... That has to be some kind of weird OkCupid booty call, right?  Maybe he thinks I'm a freak-a-leak.

 I thought answering these questions honestly would defer him from continued conversation.  I really wasn't into him, but I love answering questions about myself, so he hooked me.

1.  Not really a fan, but I like him more now than I did before he was a badass #belieber.

2. In the village of Slippery Rock, I did work on Jersey Shore marathons.  It was somewhat of an undergraduate social gathering... so yes.

3. LOL. No, no one is STALKING me... anymore.

4. And I listed my favorite movie as Midnight in Paris, because, why would I lie?

 This is where I decided it was time to cut homeboy loose.  Obviously he thinks I am some kind of scumbag.  Why would I be on here if I had a boyfriend?  And kids?  Are you kidding me?  He claimed he read my blog, which I now display proudly on my dating profile, so why would he think I was with children?  This blog is called beer-flavored nipples.  If it were a mom blog, I would have named it milk-flavored nipples... which isn't a bad idea for a blog, you know, if I ever am a mother.

 Terrel?  I am already disappointment in this interchange of thoughts.

Apparently this guy's type is his doppelganger.  Glasses for life!  Not to put myself down, because I have come to terms with being a badass chick, but if there is one thing I can admit, it is that I never have been, nor will I ever be, sexy.  Just not going to happen.  Cute face?  Sure.  Magazine smart?  That's me.  Sexy?  Not unless bat-shit crazy is now an acting substitute for sex appeal.

I get a lot "eye" messages, too.  There is ONE (1) profile picture that I use where you can distinctly see my eyes, and quite honestly, other than the fact you can see my eyes, I am looking a hot mess, unintentionally, but if we are being honest, it's just how I look.  Is my skin nice too?  Would you like to make a coat out of it, Buffalo Bill creepers?  I am not flattered by physical compliments.  Unless you are telling me I am beautiful, as contributed to my sense of humor, charm, kindness, and aforementioned, cute face, then don't bother.  You are only making me uncomfortable.

And just as a reference, here is the "pretty eye" candidate photo.  If I were to comment on this, or if I weren't me, and didn't understand the hardship of difficult eyebrows, my commentary would be, "You have really crazy eyebrows," or "Wow, your eyebrows are out of control!"  And in all actuality, I would be more likely to respond to that.  Shows a ballsy-ness I am into.

Happy Valentine's Day!!

And in case you didn't read it on my Facebook, here is an extended invitation to celebrate with me!

"If anyone is interested in joining me for Valentine's Day, I will be drinking wine in my bed from 5 PM - bedtime, and watching quality films. Space is limited. Other activities will vary based on participation, but one can expect crochet and Rubik's Cube materials will be available. Chocolate covered everything upon request."