A Very Manly Valentine's Day - Come for the Beer and the Bitches.

Guys can be lonely around the holiday of love, too, which is why I feel like my OkCupid profile stock has been through the roof as of lately.  My profile must have that something that reads, "Hey!  Message me, regardless of our uncommon interests, or general unlikeness," which means I am doing something right, because that follows pretty close to my real life romantic mishaps and encounters.  Here are some recent suitors, and some of my thoughts.  Typically I don't respond at all, to anyone, because no one is normal, and most of them obviously only clicked on my profile to look at my pictures (and my pictures are all lies), the grammar is horrendous, and I could not imagine a life texting with someone who does actively use capital letters, apostrophes, and punctuation, and they are "looking for" casual sex, or something equally as strange.  Look, I am not prowling the internet for casual sex - you take your disease ridden ass elsewhere!

 Oh Mike, what can I say... I accidentally clicked on your profile.  My bad. 

 Nope.

 I actually don't have anything bad to say about this guy.  The note was well written, and he was interesting in terms of his profile.  I can tell that he actually read and comprehended (I know I shouldn't be that impressed with this, but I am giving him credit).  I scanned his profile, and there is not much that we actually have in common, but maybe I will send him a Happy Valentine's Day, just as a Pittsburgh welcome.  Maybe it was the 3:45 sent time that deferred me... That has to be some kind of weird OkCupid booty call, right?  Maybe he thinks I'm a freak-a-leak.

 I thought answering these questions honestly would defer him from continued conversation.  I really wasn't into him, but I love answering questions about myself, so he hooked me.

1.  Not really a fan, but I like him more now than I did before he was a badass #belieber.

2. In the village of Slippery Rock, I did work on Jersey Shore marathons.  It was somewhat of an undergraduate social gathering... so yes.

3. LOL. No, no one is STALKING me... anymore.

4. And I listed my favorite movie as Midnight in Paris, because, why would I lie?

 This is where I decided it was time to cut homeboy loose.  Obviously he thinks I am some kind of scumbag.  Why would I be on here if I had a boyfriend?  And kids?  Are you kidding me?  He claimed he read my blog, which I now display proudly on my dating profile, so why would he think I was with children?  This blog is called beer-flavored nipples.  If it were a mom blog, I would have named it milk-flavored nipples... which isn't a bad idea for a blog, you know, if I ever am a mother.

 Terrel?  I am already disappointment in this interchange of thoughts.

Apparently this guy's type is his doppelganger.  Glasses for life!  Not to put myself down, because I have come to terms with being a badass chick, but if there is one thing I can admit, it is that I never have been, nor will I ever be, sexy.  Just not going to happen.  Cute face?  Sure.  Magazine smart?  That's me.  Sexy?  Not unless bat-shit crazy is now an acting substitute for sex appeal.

I get a lot "eye" messages, too.  There is ONE (1) profile picture that I use where you can distinctly see my eyes, and quite honestly, other than the fact you can see my eyes, I am looking a hot mess, unintentionally, but if we are being honest, it's just how I look.  Is my skin nice too?  Would you like to make a coat out of it, Buffalo Bill creepers?  I am not flattered by physical compliments.  Unless you are telling me I am beautiful, as contributed to my sense of humor, charm, kindness, and aforementioned, cute face, then don't bother.  You are only making me uncomfortable.

And just as a reference, here is the "pretty eye" candidate photo.  If I were to comment on this, or if I weren't me, and didn't understand the hardship of difficult eyebrows, my commentary would be, "You have really crazy eyebrows," or "Wow, your eyebrows are out of control!"  And in all actuality, I would be more likely to respond to that.  Shows a ballsy-ness I am into.

Happy Valentine's Day!!

And in case you didn't read it on my Facebook, here is an extended invitation to celebrate with me!

"If anyone is interested in joining me for Valentine's Day, I will be drinking wine in my bed from 5 PM - bedtime, and watching quality films. Space is limited. Other activities will vary based on participation, but one can expect crochet and Rubik's Cube materials will be available. Chocolate covered everything upon request."

Just trying to get drunk and fuck someone famous.

The title of this blog is a Wiz Khalifa lyric, and was basically my mantra through my college years.  Unfortunately I only ever achieved the first half of this rather ambitious goal I set for myself, as there was never anyone famous in the village of Slippery Rock, and even if there were a celebrity, my groupie allure would have quickly been stomped out by the Professional Skank Association that a majority of the female student body at SRU belonged to (love you, bitches).  Anyway, since I did my #wcw on Tuesday, I thought, since I threatened it yesterday, I would do my #mcm on this dreary Wednesday - hey anything to delay doing the group project homework that is due in 4 hours (I'm a real team player).  So here you have it, my dream "to-do" list!

1. Christopher Walken - This man just gets me.

2. Anderson Cooper - Dr. Mindy Lahiri said it best: "If we are indulging in imaginary situations I would love to introduce you to my husband, straight Anderson Cooper."

3. Stephan Jenkins - I told him I loved him once at a concert at Allegheny College, following his plea for silence.  He acted like he wasn't into it, but whatever, he heard.

4. Adam Levine - Sexpot.  Shark tattoo.

5. Jay Baruchel - Awkward Canadian nerd, count me in.















 


6. Conan O'Brien - Team Coco for life.

I carved this pumpkin, too.

7. James Franco - I love a good weirdo.  And cat cuddlers.

8. Jason Segel - He is perfect as Marshall, he loves the Muppets, and I am into his body type and height.

9. Justin Timberlake - We made eye contact at Nakama this past December.  It was magical, and he was my first love.  In fact, this picture is from the night I will never forget.

10. Marc-Andre Fleury - No one loves Maffy baby like me.  A majority of my academic efforts as a undergraduate were redirected towards photoshopping pictures of me and Flower together.

11. Joseph Gordon Levitt - What a cutie!  I even loved him on 3rd Rock from the Sun!

12. Peyton Manning - Since 1994.  We were big Volunteer fans in my house.  I actually remember hiding after he didn't win the Heisman, as I thought my father was going to go on a killing spree (true story).

















13. Matt Anderson - I literally know nothing about him, or volleyball, but I saw him once on TV and my life was forever changed.

14. Doctor Who 9th & 10th reincarnation, 11th pending - Let me be your companion, please?
 



















 


15. Pharrell - I've been crushing on him since his collaboration with Britney Spears on her "Boys" track. "I'm from N.E.R.D, aren't you Britney?"


















16. Jason Mraz.  Point blank.  Soul mate.

Honorable Mention(s):
Heath Ledgers.  Damn, I was into him. RIP.
Harry Styles.  You are just too young at the moment, but I get it.
Pierce Brosnan.  I didn't even mind your singing in Mama Mia.

Is it weird that I have more woman crushes than man crushes?  Probably, but it is what it is! 
Alright, time to act like a graduate student, or probably more appropriately, a salaried employee ;).

Later lovelies <3.

Girl Crushes are the Safest Crushes... Except Most of Mine are High School Students.

I believe ever woman should aspire to be like another woman, whether she be a physical influence, or one of a fictitious nature.  I am always finding new inspiration from strong, independent women in film, television, literature and art.  They are sass, witty, vulnerable, beautiful, and cumulatively bad ass.  Here is a brief listing of some of the bad ass bitches I hope I remind you of!  When the captions explains the admiration, there may be no further commentary.

In no particular order:

1. Snooki, as played by Bobby Moynihan.

2. Anne Hall.  I don't know who this character is... is this even a girl?  Or Woody Allen?  Woody Allen does not get me, unless we are talking about Midnight In Paris.

3. Wednesday Addams

4. Lydia Deetz.  This is how I introduce myself to other weirdos, after the weird is exposed.

5. Holly Golightly, demonstrating my date night expectations.

6.Veronica Sawyer.  She is everything to me.  Also, this is the name I use at bars.

 

7.Young Jenny from Forrest Gump.

  

8. Daria.  I am Daria.

9. Luna Lovegood, that little kook ball.

10. Barbie, but only when she is doing her own thing.

11. RomyWhite

 

12. Safety Goggle Carol.  She has been blinded by so many things in an effort to make me more informed.

 13. Cher Horowitz.  Casually mixing social life with culture since 1995.

14. Yep, even cartoons inspire me.

15.Morticia Addams.  Classy bitch.

16.Kat Stratford.

17. Vickie, Reality Bites.  She knows.

18. Young Chrissy DeWitt, still.

19. Everyday.

20. A great way to stay mysterious and break it off with someone.

21. Trying to grow into myself.

22.  Rose loves with all of herself, and just wants to hear it back.

 23. Bridget Jones, for a lot of reasons.

 

 24. Ja'mie Private School Girl

25.  Not Veronica Sawyers line, but there is something to be said of all Heather characters.

26. Classy-bitch.  She's my spirit animal.

27. Young Mary-Catherine Gallager

28. Quinn Mongandorfer, for understanding why I wear black, aside from it being slimming.

AND LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST!!

29. Tina Fey, as herself, and as Liz Lemon!

Well, I had to stop myself or I would be at this all day!  Maybe eventually I will do one for the men on my "to-do" list, but I think that would make everyone uncomfortable.  I hope the women in your life are just as classy, sassy and trashy as the women I cherish!