I'm Just a 20-Something Scumbag, Baby.

When someone asks me "what is wrong with you," I so often want to respond with, "would you like that by order of severity or alphabetically?"  Unfortunately my mouth and brain do not always connect like I would like them to, and more often than not, I just incoherently stutter something and I am then ignored for the rest of the transaction.  Since it has been brought to my attention so frequently, whether by a third party, or the clarity of alcohol and self-therapy, I am constantly working out ways to answer the question accurately.  Issues can be observed in the men I am attracted to, men that are attracted to me, and my sink full of dirty dishes.

One of the things I do during Monday through Friday, 8:30 - 4:30, is take personality disorder tests (along with write this blog, Pinterest, Netflix, Facebook investigating, and a collection of other hobbies).  This morning I took a pretty good test, and I would like to share and explore some of the results with you now.  I have only included the disorders with the highest percentage, as I am mostly likely actually suffering from these disarrays.  I have included the personality disorder description for your benefit.  I think if you know me, most of them will make perfect sense.

• Paranoid 74%
•  Individual generally tends to interpret the actions of others as threatening; preoccupied with suspiciousness/paranoia. They are stuck between their need for others and their mistrust of others.
• Schizotypal 78%
• Individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior; preoccupied with seeing themselves and/or the world as strange/odd.
  
• Borderline 62%
• Individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness. Core issue is an inability to regulate emotions.
• Histrionic 66%
• Individual often displays excessive emotionality and attention seeking in various contexts. They tend to overreact to other people, and are often perceived as shallow and self-centered. Core issue is attention addiction. 

Now, my best friend thinks these makes me sound like a crazy person.  But I will have you know, there were several other personality disorders that I scored way lower on, so these are just the extremes and the core of my being.  In an actual application to men, I think my all of my perceived disorders are relevant. I am odd, so that's why men can't be attracted to me, and if they are by chance, I am OUTRAGEOUSLY uncomfortable by the idea of being in a close [physical] relationship.  It's bad.  One time a man was holding me against him, laying down, and I had a panic attack.  I physically had to remove myself from the situation. But then I remembered that I really am addicted to attention, and I regretted not "manning up" and engaging in whatever that horizontal bear hug could have developed into.  They all work together to keep me pathetically undateable. 

Then again, if someone is interested in me, I, of course, cannot be interested in them.  I will try my best to cut things off, and I am usually successful - men usually heed the warning and disappear after a while.  But one subject in particular was adamant that we would enter into a relationship.  NOPE.  I would continually work to break-off any pending intercourse, while still letting him tell me, regularly, I was pretty, and funny (these interactions were done textually), and then strategically be out of town any time he wanted to get together.  It wasn't until I faked a relationship that he finally was able to move on.  The process was three months long.  My addiction to attention made me a scumbag, and he called me out on it, as he should have.  Now I am still single and will probably die alone.  (Side note: In my defense, this guy was resilient in all of the wrong ways.  I tried breaking things off with him on our second date, politely, and he told me that he wasn't going to give up on us... uhhh, what?)

I can really only find myself attracted to introverts with a very, very dark side.  I think they tend to me a safe bet for me because there is nothing that will ever develop out of any interactions I have with them. They are as fucked up as I am, hence the initial attraction, but without all of the shared feelings - whomp, whomp.  I am a feeler.  I need emotions to be a mutual part of the relationship.  I need to know, and hear, that I am important, more habitually than these individuals are even able to fathom.  Maybe one day soon, I will actually attempt to find appeal in a man who already likes me, but I usually gather the immediate sense we have nothing in common, based on his attraction alone.  Or maybe I will instead carry on with my challenge and eventually convince a robot to love me back, or more realistically, die alone.

Well in case any of you robot with a heart of gold are willing to take on the challenge and annoyance that I can only assume is dating me, here you have it, the face of a female scumbag (in-training):

Thanks for reading another post that absolutely makes the world a less intelligent place to operate in!

Oh, and here is the link to the personality disorder test, if you are interested in knowing why you can't operate like a normal human being: Click mehhhh.