Hey, Justin Bieber, I got arrested when I was 18, and I am doing just fine.

I really actually feel quite bad for Justin Bieber.  I, too, went through a rebellious stage in my life.  I dodged several police encounters, and rightfully (thankfully, more appropriately), from the age 18 to the age 20.99.  We have all misbehaved, and if you can argue that you have not been occasional mischievous, than stop reading, and fix your life.  The point is, he is young, dumb, and most importantly, RICH AS FUCK.  My wild child days were spent primarily in the Village of Slippery Rock, it was awesome.  I can really only imagine how naughtily I would have realistically behaved if I had millions of dollars to back and justify every bad decision I ever made in that isolated little town.  I do not condone drinking and driving, and I have never been a Nascar fan, so for those reasons, I can understand the Bieb's backlash, but honestly, this kid has been under the radar for so long that it was only a matter of time before he got real reckless.  I hope that he gets the help he needs, and comes into his own, but as far as I am concerned, he still has 2 years to act a fool without any harsh judgements from me.

Look around at some of the 19 year old individuals you may encounter regularly.  I work with a number of KIDS in this age bracket, and trust me, they are kids.  Leave Justin Bieber alone- he's going to be doing a lot better once he retires, we move on, and he is able to leave his house without being mobbed and/or harassed.

This is an actual picture of me, the first time and only time I was formally arrested.  It was at a toga party.  I actually didn't get into any trouble, because I didn't do anything wrong, but I did have to sit in a community jail cell for at least an hour while I waited for my dad to pick me up.  Ahh, to be young again.  Mr. Yuk is used only to protect those who want nothing to do with me.  It is not used to be demeaning, or mean.

I'm Just a 20-Something Scumbag, Baby.

When someone asks me "what is wrong with you," I so often want to respond with, "would you like that by order of severity or alphabetically?"  Unfortunately my mouth and brain do not always connect like I would like them to, and more often than not, I just incoherently stutter something and I am then ignored for the rest of the transaction.  Since it has been brought to my attention so frequently, whether by a third party, or the clarity of alcohol and self-therapy, I am constantly working out ways to answer the question accurately.  Issues can be observed in the men I am attracted to, men that are attracted to me, and my sink full of dirty dishes.

One of the things I do during Monday through Friday, 8:30 - 4:30, is take personality disorder tests (along with write this blog, Pinterest, Netflix, Facebook investigating, and a collection of other hobbies).  This morning I took a pretty good test, and I would like to share and explore some of the results with you now.  I have only included the disorders with the highest percentage, as I am mostly likely actually suffering from these disarrays.  I have included the personality disorder description for your benefit.  I think if you know me, most of them will make perfect sense.

• Paranoid 74%
•  Individual generally tends to interpret the actions of others as threatening; preoccupied with suspiciousness/paranoia. They are stuck between their need for others and their mistrust of others.
• Schizotypal 78%
• Individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior; preoccupied with seeing themselves and/or the world as strange/odd.
  
• Borderline 62%
• Individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness. Core issue is an inability to regulate emotions.
• Histrionic 66%
• Individual often displays excessive emotionality and attention seeking in various contexts. They tend to overreact to other people, and are often perceived as shallow and self-centered. Core issue is attention addiction. 

Now, my best friend thinks these makes me sound like a crazy person.  But I will have you know, there were several other personality disorders that I scored way lower on, so these are just the extremes and the core of my being.  In an actual application to men, I think my all of my perceived disorders are relevant. I am odd, so that's why men can't be attracted to me, and if they are by chance, I am OUTRAGEOUSLY uncomfortable by the idea of being in a close [physical] relationship.  It's bad.  One time a man was holding me against him, laying down, and I had a panic attack.  I physically had to remove myself from the situation. But then I remembered that I really am addicted to attention, and I regretted not "manning up" and engaging in whatever that horizontal bear hug could have developed into.  They all work together to keep me pathetically undateable. 

Then again, if someone is interested in me, I, of course, cannot be interested in them.  I will try my best to cut things off, and I am usually successful - men usually heed the warning and disappear after a while.  But one subject in particular was adamant that we would enter into a relationship.  NOPE.  I would continually work to break-off any pending intercourse, while still letting him tell me, regularly, I was pretty, and funny (these interactions were done textually), and then strategically be out of town any time he wanted to get together.  It wasn't until I faked a relationship that he finally was able to move on.  The process was three months long.  My addiction to attention made me a scumbag, and he called me out on it, as he should have.  Now I am still single and will probably die alone.  (Side note: In my defense, this guy was resilient in all of the wrong ways.  I tried breaking things off with him on our second date, politely, and he told me that he wasn't going to give up on us... uhhh, what?)

I can really only find myself attracted to introverts with a very, very dark side.  I think they tend to me a safe bet for me because there is nothing that will ever develop out of any interactions I have with them. They are as fucked up as I am, hence the initial attraction, but without all of the shared feelings - whomp, whomp.  I am a feeler.  I need emotions to be a mutual part of the relationship.  I need to know, and hear, that I am important, more habitually than these individuals are even able to fathom.  Maybe one day soon, I will actually attempt to find appeal in a man who already likes me, but I usually gather the immediate sense we have nothing in common, based on his attraction alone.  Or maybe I will instead carry on with my challenge and eventually convince a robot to love me back, or more realistically, die alone.

Well in case any of you robot with a heart of gold are willing to take on the challenge and annoyance that I can only assume is dating me, here you have it, the face of a female scumbag (in-training):

Thanks for reading another post that absolutely makes the world a less intelligent place to operate in!

Oh, and here is the link to the personality disorder test, if you are interested in knowing why you can't operate like a normal human being: Click mehhhh.

Order me a drink, you know what I like

Haven't written for a while, now have I? I recently got Netflix and that's been a real drain on any motivation that I may have had to write, or live my life.  But have no fear, I'm here, my babies. 

Some good has come from Netflix, though. I've come to the conclusion I am no longer interested in one's run of the mill relationship!  I'm more interested in a companionship.  Please see refer to The Doctor and his companion (primarily Rose), or Sherlock and Dr. John Watson, as references.

Anyway, during a NSFW email chain, including this picture:

I was made aware that my personalized cocktail name is called Flying Cum.  A dear, sweet person in my life rapidly went into a Marketing frenzy to capitalize what could be a very lucrative busy venture (I assume this was his reasoning) and volia, a materpiece for the ages was born:

Please note, although this photo is of the highest quality, it is completely photoshopped.  Had this been a real [sticky] situation, I like to believe my demeanor would be drastically different.

♡♡♡

The Girls are Crying, the Boys are Masturbating: Components of Breaking-Up.

In my younger years I proactively worked to debunk the myth of gender roles.  Now, I believe in the sciences and theories that men and women are simply wired differently, for the most part.  Break-up rituals are no different.  They are storybook cliches that make all parties involved look stupid.  Now, I can only write "accurately" of my own pseudo break-ups.  The rest of the material is based on observations, speculations, and fabrications of my own imagination.

Cries you will become familiar with:

1. Weeping to yourself - You are alone for the first time after the break-up.  Might be immediate, might not.
2. "Pain in your chest and throat" Cry - Let it out girl, the pain will stop when you finally fall asleep.
3. Drunk Cry - Awe, you thought you could drink already :(.
4. "Trying not to cry in front of him" Cry - You're a trooper, I admire your strength.  Your lip is quivering, your eye is twitching, and the salty burn of your tears are making themselves known.
5. Straight Sobbing - This is very similar to weeping, although it can be done in the presence of others.  It is a safe zone cry, if you will, probably with your girlfriends.
6. "Can't breathe" Cry - This will most likely happen anytime you are trying to detest the break-up.  It is going to directly follow the "trying not to cry in front of him" cry.  Not only can you not breathe, but you have also lost the ability to form sentences, naturally.
7. "I have no more tears to cry" Cry.  You are still sad, you still want to cry, but a glimpse of your beet red face in a mirror and a pounding headache are preventing you to do so, anymore.
8. The Faucet Cry - You don't even know where liquid is coming from anymore.  You are definitely crying, you may be sweating, you are probably drooling, and your nose is running.  You will inevitably have red and chapped skin that will act as a physical reminder of your pain.
9. The Ugly Cry - You probably look exceptionally good before this cry, judging by the amount of make-up now pouring down your face.  You look like a washed up raccoon.  This cry is usually associated with a sometimes healthy "Drunk Cry."  Best to avoid white clothing during this trying time.
10. "My glasses are foggy" Cry.  This may be a personal cry to me, but it's real, and there is nothing more inconvenient than a broken heart and a blurry outlook on the world.

The Different Types of Men you will Encounter During a Routine Break-Up:

1. The Stalker - It could be a week later, it could be three years later, this guy will not let up.  Maybe you are "the one that got away," but more likely, he's just bat shit crazy.  Warning sign(s) - he's a Handcuffer.
2. The Pussy - This dude is devastated.  He will seek therapy, and he definitely thought you were his one and only.  He will make feeble attempts to move on, and get his shit together.  With the help of a professional (and perhaps a prescription), and a new girlfriend, he eventually will.  Once his new girlfriend is firmly in place, you can sigh a breath of relief; he's been set free.  Warning sign(s) - He's too nice and can't hold his own.
3. The Player (Scumbag) - Out with the old (you), in with the new (anyone in the card carrying vagina club).  He will not spend too much time hurting from the break-up, and there is a good chance he was ready to move on before your uncontrollably quivering lip saw it coming.  Facebook stalking this guy is only going to hurt.  Warning sign(s) - commitment issues, mommy issues, daddy issues.
4. The Manipulator - Maybe you two broke up, and to be fair, it was your fault.  Be careful with this guy... he is going to play the victim card to get exactly what he wants.  Any terms and any deals made during the break phase are binding and will be held over your head for the duration of the relationship.  Warning sign(s) - he is insistent in paying for things, possessive.
5. The Faker - He's hurting.  The break-up happened, and he is sad, but he puts on a strong front.  Maybe to save his own face.  During the healing process he will likely avoid contact with you.  This will largely be due to all of the bad things he has said about you behind your back, which you may or may not be aware of through the grapevine.  Don't worry, this is just a defense mechanism, and he is likely the kind to weep in the shower.  Warning sign(s) - this is going to be a toxic on-again, off-again relationship.  The relationship is not built to last, but there is love.  Sad.
6. The Workaholic - You two broke off, what seemed to be a fairly promising relationship, maybe a little boring, or one sided, but it was enjoyable and mutual enough.  Now that the relationship is over, homeboy is OUT.  He is suddenly "busy" all of the time.  The ill-advised texts you insist on sending are responded to in brief fragments, hours after being sent, if at all.  Warning sign(s) - he has his own agenda, primarily.  Be weary of men with a timeline, too.
7. The Good Guy - You probably have mutual friends, or maybe just one that set this up.  It was a nice gesture and you both got along great and may even be friends following the relationship.  There is no love lost, it just didn't go anywhere.  Warning sign(s) - blind dates, dating website connection, disconnected interests.
8. The Friend - Another good guy.  This relationship began organically from a friendship, but was simply not meant to be.  For whatever reason the friendship cannot transcend into a relationship.  He genuinely cares about you, and your well-being and feelings, while maybe a little hurt, will soon return settle into an understanding place. Warning sign(s) - this one is hard, everyone wants their partner to be their best friend, so this only seems natural.  Only jump in if it seems right.

Please note, all of these personnel have women counterparts.  I myself have been the stalker, the good...girl?, the scumbag, and the pussy.  Sometimes all at once - figure that out.

The Aftermath, or as I like to call it, The Road to Recovery:

1. Facebook/Twitter/ actual stalking.  Now is a time to exercise the 5 stages of grief and apply them to your dead relationship.  Questions will be answered, realizations will be made.

  "What exactly is he doing?"  "Is he happier with me?"  "Is he in a relationship with someone else already?"  "WHO IS THAT WHORE?!!!?!?!?"  "Oh, Hell no!"  

2. Online dating profile created, or at least it has been stated, very publicly that you will be joining one.  Just remember, www.match.com is for when you are trying to get married and www.okcupid.com is for when you are just trying to get weird. 

3. Music will set you free.  There is a song for every emotion you are feeling on your road to recovery.  Here are some of my favorites (in no listening order) and why:

• Kiss Me, Diss Me- Homegrown.  Because FUCK YOU.  I'm going to be just fine.
• Someone like You - Adele.  Because there are... were... components to you I rather enjoyed.
• Sooner of Later - Michelle Branch.  The unrequited love song.  Don't change me.
• She Fucking Hates Me - Puddle of Mudd.  To be enjoyed by both parties of the break-up.
• Heart Transplant - Punchline.  God I love you so much, please love me back.
• Own Worst Enemy - Lit. This is my fault, somehow.
• Why Can't You Be - Third Eye Blind.  Listen to this once, listen to this twice. LISTEN TO THIS A MILLIONS TIMES.
• Say Something - Great Big World.  Seriously, this is your last chance.
• Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley.  I just need to be really sad right now.
• Nothing Better - The Postal Service.  "Don't you feed me lies about some idealistic future."
• Flavor of the Week - American Hi-Fi.  There is someone out there who will appreciate me.

These are just a few, I actually have several playlists dedicated to this sort of occasion.

4. RSVP.  Brush your shoulders off, and get back out there!  This could be committing to an invitation to a happy hour, meeting up with some online weirdo that doesn't have serial killer eyes, or a night out with the girls.  Be sure to buy each of them a drink or two, especially if they have been your shoulder to cry on... Better yet, get them a plate of pitas and spinach-artichoke dip, to share - it's cheaper than a round and you, yourself, get to indulge in the creamy goodness.

xoxo,
Your favorite spinster-in-training.  So glad I am never going to have to apply this information to my life :)

Shout out to "my equally as fucked-up emotionally friend" for ideas and concepts.  That's how she wanted to be addressed, she's so dramatic.

How could this happen to me?

Love Me the Way I Need to be Loved.

Every relationship should have things, whether those "things" are actions, traditions, nicknames, I don't care, but they should be specific to the relationship.  These adorable quirks can form naturally, or they can be planned or molded to fit a certain criteria or expectation.  I recently reached out to my Facebook following... friends... and asked them to share with me some of their special moments.  The kind of moments that make you realize you are with the right person, no matter how big or small the deed.  Maybe it's just because I am naturally strange and unusual, and single, but many of these moments were very sweet, honest, and above all, generic, no offense if you are a cross-over reader ;-].  To be fair, since I have no idea how a person realistically shows one how they care about them, romantically, I've decided to share my own list, and you, my understanding reader, can now judge me, or more appropriately, start using these expectations of companionship in your relationship.

Ten Things I Want to Like About You, Future Man Friend

1. If you notice that I have left my lunch on the counter on my [late] way out of the house, surprise me by ordering me a pizza and having it delivered to my office.  I am a creature of habit, and I eat lunch at 12:00 PM, everyday.  Best to have it delivered around 11:45 so I am not already thinking of alternative menu options.  This does not have to be the case every time I forget, or more truthfully, just don't pack my lunch, but if it happens to be on a Monday, you've covered me for the week (or at least a few days of lunch - and snacking)!  This action shows that you know me to the core, and more importantly, that you care.

2. I will always be a homebody.  Nothing compares to a night in with a loved one.  You have to be okay with staying in with me on nights when nothing fits right and I've overspent my bank account.  This does not mean that it is going to be a quiet or lame night - we can marathon all of our geeky television or movie series (and we will like all of the same media), or engage in "adultified" versions of our favorite board games, just be warned, the drunker I get, the more competitive I get.  And, on that notes, admittedly, I will probably be more belligerently drunk that if we were to go out.  Alcohol, if I already bought it, then it's free, and if it's free, it's for me.

3. Read out loud to me when I express to you (and I will, frequently) that I want to read more, but have made no efforts to do so.  Whatever, I'm needy, no one is perfect.  And without making this odd request too taboo, I also like to be tucked it, so that should probably preface this request.

4. Buy me books.  If we are together, you should know what I enjoy without my assistance.  Write love letters in the cover of these books detailing to me why you chose it, and why you think I'll like it.  You should really do this for everyone, it's a lovely gesture, but only my book covers should be doubtlessly romantic.

5. Play Super Nintendo with me.  I love Super Nintendo.  And more notably, I never advanced to gaming systems that utilize a joystick.

6. Buy my movie ticket when we are at the theater.  I'll get the popcorn.  And blue slushie(s).  And whatever candy you like... but the candy will be bought prior to the film and stored in my giant purse with MY Reese's Pieces.

7. Play along with me and the surprises I plan, no matter how nerdy you anticipate the event, vacation, gesture, whatever, to be.  I promise, regardless of what it is I have in the works, it will be something we will both take pleasure in, you just have to trust me... Even if it means taking days off of work, when applicable.

8. Try new things with me.  This could easily be done, and most memorably, if we take a fun class together.  Improv, cooking, painting mugs that we will never use, it doesn't matter.  You tell me what you want to learn, and I want to learn it, too.

9. Talk to my friends, trust my friends, and above all, be fearful of my friends.  For some reason, beyond me, they actually really love me.  They will tell you what you need to know to understand me, survive me, and calm me down.  They will help you in your own quest to understand me better, and above all, they will tell you, honestly, when you are being a needle dick.

10. And last, but not least: Want to know me. Get to know me.  Know me better than I know myself.

A note for you, mystery man, I am willing to negotiate your expectations as well.  Whatever, they may be, pervert...

I am just assuming that "he" will be a pervert, because I know the kind of man I attract, and because I might be a little bit of a pervert, too.  That's it, folks.  Looks like a lot to read, but I am pretty sure I have the writing competency level of a dirty 7th grader.  Here's to a healthier and more personalized relationship, whether you use my recommendations for a better one, or not!

New Year, New Me. Lolz.

I love the start of a new year.  There are so many expectations, hopes, and wants for a better future.  It is the one time a year that I actually feel like the list I make of ways I could be a better person are realistic.  So since 2014 is my 25th year of being single, the pressure is on for change!  Here are my resolutions for the new year and their correlating concerns and elaborations.

1. Lose weight. Ah, this one. I know it's cliche but I truly believe this is my year! The force is strong with 2014, blah, blah, blah. I just need to remind myself that instead of an empty pizza box sitting on the other side of my bed, it could be an empty man ♥. I also need to convince myself that there is a chance my boobs will still be ON POINT minus the several tens of pounds. Shout out to nachos, Chinese takeout, and beer for the girls' current perfect plumpness.

2. Pay off my credit card debt. This one is very doable as I am NOT drowning in my personal debt, but it will demand an aggressive approach and a mindful consciousness. After all, my credit needs to be as close to perfect as possible, otherwise how am I supposed to buy a house, car, or an international baby?

3. Read 25 novels. I wanted to make it 50 novels but I'm trying to be a realist this year. I hope 25 is not too ambitious, after all I was an English literature major...

4. Buzzed driving is drunk driving. Learn it, live it, love it. Everyone.

5. Go to the movies more often. I love going to the movie theater, it's my happy place.  Of recently I've become a big fan of going alone, so there is no excuse to not go as often as possible and see everything I'm interested in seeing, regardless of anyone else's cinematical taste. I hope to be the most relevant movie critic of 2014, within my circle of five friends, anyway.

6. Travel as often as possible. Location -anywhere.  Companion(s) - anyone... But preferably the Doctor.

7. Get a tattoo.  Ideally this ink will be of something that I truly care about. I've started designing a list of things I'm passionate about and that will most likely inspire my skin tag: Harry Potter, travel (maps), great white sharks, Pinot Grigio, lighthouses,  Starry Night, box wine, nachos, 37, 42, or NSYNC.

8. Finish writing my book, Sorry for Sexting Your Mom. A collection of actual sexual encounters that could have been if the world was fair.


Best of luck to you and all of your shortcomings! I'll personally be happy just to accomplish one of these items and consider it a good year!

Where are all of the single ladies?

No wonder I am having so much trouble finding anyone to share my time with - there are really no single people in my life.  This is now all coming to light since the engagement of one of my dearest friends over the holiday, and while I could not be happier for her, it has become increasingly noticeable to me that I am one of the last ones standing at a true spinster state.  I am not sure if it is the age of the people in my life, or the sense that all of the good guys will be gone if we wait until our 30's, but it is what it is.

Overall, unlike me, where all of my relationships are delusional fabrications of true love found and then lost, my friends are of a more attractive breed, one that is really not familiar with the idea of being alone.  Even when they are single, there is still someone that is overtly willing to sleep with them on any given night.  This, while not technically being a relationship, is also not in the realm of singleship.  Being single is sad, it's pathetic, and it is something that everyone must experience to feel complete.  For example:Tonight, I think I will go to the movies, alone, then Redbox the first Hobbit, solo, and fall asleep sober, without any verbal conversation, even with myself, from 4:30 (when I get off work) extended through the time it takes me to cry myself to sleep.  My internal monologue will be a constant pro and con list of order takeout... just kidding, delivery (using a newly redownloaded app, that will be promptly deleted), which will then loop back to my self-esteem issues and although this should push me in the direction of going to bed hungry, instead I will eat a small villages' worth of Pizza Hut.

Maybe it's my fault - maybe I should put myself out there more, or use the Zumba DVD's that I bought, but that's just not my thing.  I would much rather have people come to me, and tell me how wonderful I am without any of the effort or rejection potential.  And maybe this is just seasonal depression, but I am learning in my old age, that I really hate the winter.  I always thought I liked the idea of all four seasons being present in my life, but that is a lie I've told myself.  I just want it to be Autumn all the time.

This has turned into a ramble, but it's my blog and no one regularly reads it, anyway, so whatever.  Tune in sometime in the near future - I will post pictures (selfies) of tonight's wild and crazy adventure.

Later, lames!