I get more emails from Pizza Hut than Match.com

Hello my babies! Have you missed me?  I've missed you <3.  I have not been feeling particularly motivated to write anything lately, as I have only had the same misguided, non-committed, "rendezvous" that I have only really ever had in the past year, with the exception of my poor OkCupid victim (remember that one time I was a female scumbag)?

In an attempt to move on with my life, I have move actively been trying to put myself out there, but only in the sense that I will let men who I don't find 100% repulsive talk to me.  They are few and far between, but on occasion, it does happen.  But in a REAL attempt to put myself out there, and right on the heels of another friend's engagement, I decided to join the legal online world of prostitution, Match.com.  I would only be embarrassed of admitting this if I had any success in the matter, but don't worry, I haven't.  Viva la Beer-Flavored Nipples spinster blog.  Sure, it's only been two full days that I have had my profile, but when you know, you know.

How do I know, you may ask.  Well, it is quite quantitative, and scientific - the ratio of Match.com interest emails, to Pizza Hut, is 1 to 37.  This numbers may or may not be exaggerated, I don't know, I am not actually a scientist, or a mathematician.

Here is what I have taken from Match.com so far.

1. The guys are OLD.  Look, I am in no way experienced enough in life, or any other aspect pertaining to a relationship to be shacked up with a 37 year old.  In all honesty, I should probably move to a state where it is legal for an adult to date a 16 year old.

2. There are just guys TROLLING the site - waiting for new profiles.  I guess if I paid for a year subscription to the service, I, too, would be going hard.  I would have backups for my backups.  Ain't nobody got the time or money for failed online relationships!  For example, a friend simultaneous signed up for the site with me (she's cute so I have much higher hopes for her), and this guy sent us both IDENTICAL messages.  Desperate!

 Hey Adam, I do get that ALL of the time, that's why I am on Match.com... Anyway, I noticed you sent this same message, word for word to my friend.  So I am going to let my girls from Destiny's Child take the rest of this response away:

Okay, so I wanted it to be the "Say my name" chorus loop, whatever, you get the point.  Please, make an effort to at least pretend you read my profile, or care what I am interested in.  I am not interested in your copy and paste advances.

3. The "matches" are so generic, it's sickening.  And stupid.
Example, me filling out the profile: "Do you like antique shops?" - Match.com, "Um, I guess so, they are alright...?"

WHOA NOW!  FOUND MY FUCKING SOULMATE!

4.  ALL OF THE DUDES ARE 5'6.  ALL OF THEM.  Like, sorry, no.  If you are allowed to specify that you want a girl with a "toned, athletic" build, or something of the sort, then I have no problems telling your short ass to take a hike.  You better be at least 6'0, or Marc-Andre Fleury.

That's all for now :).  I think in the long run I will stick with OkCupid, at least those guys can make me laugh.  And we all know my slogan, "if it's free, it's for me."  You are going to find the same weirdos regardless of which online dating site you use.  You just have to sift through the losers, roll with the punches and trust your instincts.  If you get the vibe that a guy, or girl for my endowed, and lesbian readers, is a tool, he or she is probably a tool.


As for me, I decided to seek real professional help, a Tarot Card Reader.  I know these readings are subjective, but I think things look promising.

Bonus!!  My OkCupid favorites <3

Obvious reasons.  He was less bored and horny for the rest of the transaction.

This guy was actually really nice, and we had a good conversation.  He also has a cat named Conan "The Barbarian" O'Brien.  I know, be still my heart, right?  But he thinks fat people are annoying, and doesn't think his children should believe in Santa, and above all else, he doesn't think it's important to dress up for Halloween EVERY year.  I also tried to set him up with my best friend, which he thought was weird.  I just knew it would never work out between us... I was trying to be helpful!  He has read my blog though, so I hope you find this appropriate if you read again!

Um, I gave this guy my number.  I don't know either.  It's probably because his profile picture is the logo for Mad Mex's Gobblerito, and I am about that.

I'm outtie :).  Hopefully something good happens to me in the near future so I don't go a month without writing again!  Bottling up one's feelings is never a good thing!

xoxo,

Katye

Expectations vs. Reality #MCM

Here is a fun little game I like to play.  Expectations vs. Reality.  We all remember that super charming, yet sad scene in 500 Days of Summer?  Perfect!  I will demonstrate how the game works in an everyday activity (or once a year in the case of the example), and then elaborate.

Katye's Date Night

In both my expectation, and my date's, I am darling, well dressed and absolutely lovely.  In reality, I am Snooki, and he is double fisting.

Get it?  Good!  We can move on to...

Expectations vs. Reality #MCM edition!

 

Fantastic Foursome

Expectation

 Reality

 Lifelong Sex Partner

Expectation - Experienced Giver

Reality -Inexperienced Taker

 Romantic Gestures

 Expectation - Nerdy Advances

 

Reality -  Rude Rejection

 Masculine cat lover to share my home with

 Expectation - He treats cats like people. 

Reality - There is no man.

 

Shared Common Interests 

Expectation - Real admiration of pizza, and afraid of roller coasters

Reality -  Doesn't respect my hopes and dreams

 A real understanding of me

Expectation - Loving my faults and flaws 

Reality - Labeling me as needy, with too high of standards

Expectation/Reality

 That's all for today :)

xoxo, Me!

 About me:

Optimist when I'm drinking.

Pessimist when I'm hurting.

Realist when my doctor tells me to stop bringing Ziplock bags into the Chinese buffet.

Love Me the Way I Need to be Loved.

Every relationship should have things, whether those "things" are actions, traditions, nicknames, I don't care, but they should be specific to the relationship.  These adorable quirks can form naturally, or they can be planned or molded to fit a certain criteria or expectation.  I recently reached out to my Facebook following... friends... and asked them to share with me some of their special moments.  The kind of moments that make you realize you are with the right person, no matter how big or small the deed.  Maybe it's just because I am naturally strange and unusual, and single, but many of these moments were very sweet, honest, and above all, generic, no offense if you are a cross-over reader ;-].  To be fair, since I have no idea how a person realistically shows one how they care about them, romantically, I've decided to share my own list, and you, my understanding reader, can now judge me, or more appropriately, start using these expectations of companionship in your relationship.

Ten Things I Want to Like About You, Future Man Friend

1. If you notice that I have left my lunch on the counter on my [late] way out of the house, surprise me by ordering me a pizza and having it delivered to my office.  I am a creature of habit, and I eat lunch at 12:00 PM, everyday.  Best to have it delivered around 11:45 so I am not already thinking of alternative menu options.  This does not have to be the case every time I forget, or more truthfully, just don't pack my lunch, but if it happens to be on a Monday, you've covered me for the week (or at least a few days of lunch - and snacking)!  This action shows that you know me to the core, and more importantly, that you care.

2. I will always be a homebody.  Nothing compares to a night in with a loved one.  You have to be okay with staying in with me on nights when nothing fits right and I've overspent my bank account.  This does not mean that it is going to be a quiet or lame night - we can marathon all of our geeky television or movie series (and we will like all of the same media), or engage in "adultified" versions of our favorite board games, just be warned, the drunker I get, the more competitive I get.  And, on that notes, admittedly, I will probably be more belligerently drunk that if we were to go out.  Alcohol, if I already bought it, then it's free, and if it's free, it's for me.

3. Read out loud to me when I express to you (and I will, frequently) that I want to read more, but have made no efforts to do so.  Whatever, I'm needy, no one is perfect.  And without making this odd request too taboo, I also like to be tucked it, so that should probably preface this request.

4. Buy me books.  If we are together, you should know what I enjoy without my assistance.  Write love letters in the cover of these books detailing to me why you chose it, and why you think I'll like it.  You should really do this for everyone, it's a lovely gesture, but only my book covers should be doubtlessly romantic.

5. Play Super Nintendo with me.  I love Super Nintendo.  And more notably, I never advanced to gaming systems that utilize a joystick.

6. Buy my movie ticket when we are at the theater.  I'll get the popcorn.  And blue slushie(s).  And whatever candy you like... but the candy will be bought prior to the film and stored in my giant purse with MY Reese's Pieces.

7. Play along with me and the surprises I plan, no matter how nerdy you anticipate the event, vacation, gesture, whatever, to be.  I promise, regardless of what it is I have in the works, it will be something we will both take pleasure in, you just have to trust me... Even if it means taking days off of work, when applicable.

8. Try new things with me.  This could easily be done, and most memorably, if we take a fun class together.  Improv, cooking, painting mugs that we will never use, it doesn't matter.  You tell me what you want to learn, and I want to learn it, too.

9. Talk to my friends, trust my friends, and above all, be fearful of my friends.  For some reason, beyond me, they actually really love me.  They will tell you what you need to know to understand me, survive me, and calm me down.  They will help you in your own quest to understand me better, and above all, they will tell you, honestly, when you are being a needle dick.

10. And last, but not least: Want to know me. Get to know me.  Know me better than I know myself.

A note for you, mystery man, I am willing to negotiate your expectations as well.  Whatever, they may be, pervert...

I am just assuming that "he" will be a pervert, because I know the kind of man I attract, and because I might be a little bit of a pervert, too.  That's it, folks.  Looks like a lot to read, but I am pretty sure I have the writing competency level of a dirty 7th grader.  Here's to a healthier and more personalized relationship, whether you use my recommendations for a better one, or not!

New Year, New Me. Lolz.

I love the start of a new year.  There are so many expectations, hopes, and wants for a better future.  It is the one time a year that I actually feel like the list I make of ways I could be a better person are realistic.  So since 2014 is my 25th year of being single, the pressure is on for change!  Here are my resolutions for the new year and their correlating concerns and elaborations.

1. Lose weight. Ah, this one. I know it's cliche but I truly believe this is my year! The force is strong with 2014, blah, blah, blah. I just need to remind myself that instead of an empty pizza box sitting on the other side of my bed, it could be an empty man ♥. I also need to convince myself that there is a chance my boobs will still be ON POINT minus the several tens of pounds. Shout out to nachos, Chinese takeout, and beer for the girls' current perfect plumpness.

2. Pay off my credit card debt. This one is very doable as I am NOT drowning in my personal debt, but it will demand an aggressive approach and a mindful consciousness. After all, my credit needs to be as close to perfect as possible, otherwise how am I supposed to buy a house, car, or an international baby?

3. Read 25 novels. I wanted to make it 50 novels but I'm trying to be a realist this year. I hope 25 is not too ambitious, after all I was an English literature major...

4. Buzzed driving is drunk driving. Learn it, live it, love it. Everyone.

5. Go to the movies more often. I love going to the movie theater, it's my happy place.  Of recently I've become a big fan of going alone, so there is no excuse to not go as often as possible and see everything I'm interested in seeing, regardless of anyone else's cinematical taste. I hope to be the most relevant movie critic of 2014, within my circle of five friends, anyway.

6. Travel as often as possible. Location -anywhere.  Companion(s) - anyone... But preferably the Doctor.

7. Get a tattoo.  Ideally this ink will be of something that I truly care about. I've started designing a list of things I'm passionate about and that will most likely inspire my skin tag: Harry Potter, travel (maps), great white sharks, Pinot Grigio, lighthouses,  Starry Night, box wine, nachos, 37, 42, or NSYNC.

8. Finish writing my book, Sorry for Sexting Your Mom. A collection of actual sexual encounters that could have been if the world was fair.


Best of luck to you and all of your shortcomings! I'll personally be happy just to accomplish one of these items and consider it a good year!