In my younger years I proactively worked to debunk the myth of gender roles. Now, I believe in the sciences and theories that men and women are simply wired differently, for the most part. Break-up rituals are no different. They are storybook cliches that make all parties involved look stupid. Now, I can only write "accurately" of my own pseudo break-ups. The rest of the material is based on observations, speculations, and fabrications of my own imagination.
Cries you will become familiar with:
1. Weeping to yourself - You are alone for the first time after the break-up. Might be immediate, might not.
2. "Pain in your chest and throat" Cry - Let it out girl, the pain will stop when you finally fall asleep.
3. Drunk Cry - Awe, you thought you could drink already :(.
4. "Trying not to cry in front of him" Cry - You're a trooper, I admire your strength. Your lip is quivering, your eye is twitching, and the salty burn of your tears are making themselves known.
5. Straight Sobbing - This is very similar to weeping, although it can be done in the presence of others. It is a safe zone cry, if you will, probably with your girlfriends.
6. "Can't breathe" Cry - This will most likely happen anytime you are trying to detest the break-up. It is going to directly follow the "trying not to cry in front of him" cry. Not only can you not breathe, but you have also lost the ability to form sentences, naturally.
7. "I have no more tears to cry" Cry. You are still sad, you still want to cry, but a glimpse of your beet red face in a mirror and a pounding headache are preventing you to do so, anymore.
8. The Faucet Cry - You don't even know where liquid is coming from anymore. You are definitely crying, you may be sweating, you are probably drooling, and your nose is running. You will inevitably have red and chapped skin that will act as a physical reminder of your pain.
9. The Ugly Cry - You probably look exceptionally good before this cry, judging by the amount of make-up now pouring down your face. You look like a washed up raccoon. This cry is usually associated with a sometimes healthy "Drunk Cry." Best to avoid white clothing during this trying time.
10. "My glasses are foggy" Cry. This may be a personal cry to me, but it's real, and there is nothing more inconvenient than a broken heart and a blurry outlook on the world.
The Different Types of Men you will Encounter During a Routine Break-Up:
1.
The Stalker - It could be a week later, it could be three years later, this guy will not let up. Maybe you are "the one that got away," but more likely, he's just bat shit crazy. Warning sign(s) - he's a Handcuffer.
2.
The Pussy - This dude is devastated. He will seek therapy, and he definitely thought you were his one and only. He will make feeble attempts to move on, and get his shit together. With the help of a professional (and perhaps a prescription), and a new girlfriend, he eventually will. Once his new girlfriend is firmly in place, you can sigh a breath of relief; he's been set free. Warning sign(s) - He's too nice and can't hold his own.
3.
The Player (Scumbag) - Out with the old (you), in with the new (anyone in the card carrying vagina club). He will not spend too much time hurting from the break-up, and there is a good chance he was ready to move on before your uncontrollably quivering lip saw it coming. Facebook stalking this guy is only going to hurt. Warning sign(s) - commitment issues, mommy issues, daddy issues.
4.
The Manipulator - Maybe you two broke up, and to be fair, it was your fault. Be careful with this guy... he is going to play the victim card to get exactly what he wants. Any terms and any deals made during the break phase are binding and will be held over your head for the duration of the relationship. Warning sign(s) - he is insistent in paying for things, possessive.
5.
The Faker - He's hurting. The break-up happened, and he is sad, but he puts on a strong front. Maybe to save his own face. During the healing process he will likely avoid contact with you. This will largely be due to all of the bad things he has said about you behind your back, which you may or may not be aware of through the grapevine. Don't worry, this is just a defense mechanism, and he is likely the kind to weep in the shower. Warning sign(s) - this is going to be a toxic on-again, off-again relationship. The relationship is not built to last, but there is love. Sad.
6.
The Workaholic - You two broke off, what seemed to be a fairly promising relationship, maybe a little boring, or one sided, but it was enjoyable and mutual enough. Now that the relationship is over, homeboy is OUT. He is suddenly "busy" all of the time. The ill-advised texts you insist on sending are responded to in brief fragments, hours after being sent, if at all. Warning sign(s) - he has his own agenda, primarily. Be weary of men with a timeline, too.
7.
The Good Guy - You probably have mutual friends, or maybe just one that set this up. It was a nice gesture and you both got along great and may even be friends following the relationship. There is no love lost, it just didn't go anywhere. Warning sign(s) - blind dates, dating website connection, disconnected interests.
8.
The Friend - Another good guy. This relationship began organically from a friendship, but was simply not meant to be. For whatever reason the friendship cannot transcend into a relationship. He genuinely cares about you, and your well-being and feelings, while maybe a little hurt, will soon return settle into an understanding place. Warning sign(s) - this one is hard, everyone wants their partner to be their best friend, so this only seems natural. Only jump in if it seems right.
Please note, all of these personnel have women counterparts. I myself have been the stalker, the good...girl?, the scumbag, and the pussy. Sometimes all at once - figure that out.
The Aftermath, or as I like to call it, The Road to Recovery:
1.
Facebook/Twitter/ actual stalking. Now is a time to exercise the 5 stages of grief and apply them to your dead relationship. Questions will be answered, realizations will be made.
"What exactly is he doing?" "Is he happier with me?" "Is he in a relationship with someone else already?" "
WHO IS THAT WHORE?!!!?!?!?" "Oh, Hell no!"
2.
Online dating profile created, or at least it has been stated, very publicly that you will be joining one. Just remember, www.match.com is for when you are trying to get married and www.okcupid.com is for when you are just trying to get weird.
3.
Music will set you free. There is a song for every emotion you are feeling on your road to recovery. Here are some of my favorites (in no listening order) and why:
- Kiss Me, Diss Me- Homegrown. Because FUCK YOU. I'm going to be just fine.
- Someone like You - Adele. Because there are... were... components to you I rather enjoyed.
- Sooner of Later - Michelle Branch. The unrequited love song. Don't change me.
- She Fucking Hates Me - Puddle of Mudd. To be enjoyed by both parties of the break-up.
- Heart Transplant - Punchline. God I love you so much, please love me back.
- Own Worst Enemy - Lit. This is my fault, somehow.
- Why Can't You Be - Third Eye Blind. Listen to this once, listen to this twice. LISTEN TO THIS A MILLIONS TIMES.
- Say Something - Great Big World. Seriously, this is your last chance.
- Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley. I just need to be really sad right now.
- Nothing Better - The Postal Service. "Don't you feed me lies about some idealistic future."
- Flavor of the Week - American Hi-Fi. There is someone out there who will appreciate me.
These are just a few, I actually have several playlists dedicated to this sort of occasion.
4.
RSVP. Brush your shoulders off, and get back out there! This could be committing to an invitation to a happy hour, meeting up with some online weirdo that doesn't have serial killer eyes, or a night out with the girls. Be sure to buy each of them a drink or two, especially if they have been your shoulder to cry on... Better yet, get them a plate of pitas and spinach-artichoke dip, to share - it's cheaper than a round and you, yourself, get to indulge in the creamy goodness.
xoxo,
Your favorite spinster-in-training. So glad I am never going to have to apply this information to
my life :)
Shout out to "my equally as fucked-up emotionally friend" for ideas and concepts. That's how she wanted to be addressed, she's so dramatic.
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