I get more emails from Pizza Hut than Match.com

Hello my babies! Have you missed me?  I've missed you <3.  I have not been feeling particularly motivated to write anything lately, as I have only had the same misguided, non-committed, "rendezvous" that I have only really ever had in the past year, with the exception of my poor OkCupid victim (remember that one time I was a female scumbag)?

In an attempt to move on with my life, I have move actively been trying to put myself out there, but only in the sense that I will let men who I don't find 100% repulsive talk to me.  They are few and far between, but on occasion, it does happen.  But in a REAL attempt to put myself out there, and right on the heels of another friend's engagement, I decided to join the legal online world of prostitution, Match.com.  I would only be embarrassed of admitting this if I had any success in the matter, but don't worry, I haven't.  Viva la Beer-Flavored Nipples spinster blog.  Sure, it's only been two full days that I have had my profile, but when you know, you know.

How do I know, you may ask.  Well, it is quite quantitative, and scientific - the ratio of Match.com interest emails, to Pizza Hut, is 1 to 37.  This numbers may or may not be exaggerated, I don't know, I am not actually a scientist, or a mathematician.

Here is what I have taken from Match.com so far.

1. The guys are OLD.  Look, I am in no way experienced enough in life, or any other aspect pertaining to a relationship to be shacked up with a 37 year old.  In all honesty, I should probably move to a state where it is legal for an adult to date a 16 year old.

2. There are just guys TROLLING the site - waiting for new profiles.  I guess if I paid for a year subscription to the service, I, too, would be going hard.  I would have backups for my backups.  Ain't nobody got the time or money for failed online relationships!  For example, a friend simultaneous signed up for the site with me (she's cute so I have much higher hopes for her), and this guy sent us both IDENTICAL messages.  Desperate!

 Hey Adam, I do get that ALL of the time, that's why I am on Match.com... Anyway, I noticed you sent this same message, word for word to my friend.  So I am going to let my girls from Destiny's Child take the rest of this response away:

Okay, so I wanted it to be the "Say my name" chorus loop, whatever, you get the point.  Please, make an effort to at least pretend you read my profile, or care what I am interested in.  I am not interested in your copy and paste advances.

3. The "matches" are so generic, it's sickening.  And stupid.
Example, me filling out the profile: "Do you like antique shops?" - Match.com, "Um, I guess so, they are alright...?"

WHOA NOW!  FOUND MY FUCKING SOULMATE!

4.  ALL OF THE DUDES ARE 5'6.  ALL OF THEM.  Like, sorry, no.  If you are allowed to specify that you want a girl with a "toned, athletic" build, or something of the sort, then I have no problems telling your short ass to take a hike.  You better be at least 6'0, or Marc-Andre Fleury.

That's all for now :).  I think in the long run I will stick with OkCupid, at least those guys can make me laugh.  And we all know my slogan, "if it's free, it's for me."  You are going to find the same weirdos regardless of which online dating site you use.  You just have to sift through the losers, roll with the punches and trust your instincts.  If you get the vibe that a guy, or girl for my endowed, and lesbian readers, is a tool, he or she is probably a tool.


As for me, I decided to seek real professional help, a Tarot Card Reader.  I know these readings are subjective, but I think things look promising.

Bonus!!  My OkCupid favorites <3

Obvious reasons.  He was less bored and horny for the rest of the transaction.

This guy was actually really nice, and we had a good conversation.  He also has a cat named Conan "The Barbarian" O'Brien.  I know, be still my heart, right?  But he thinks fat people are annoying, and doesn't think his children should believe in Santa, and above all else, he doesn't think it's important to dress up for Halloween EVERY year.  I also tried to set him up with my best friend, which he thought was weird.  I just knew it would never work out between us... I was trying to be helpful!  He has read my blog though, so I hope you find this appropriate if you read again!

Um, I gave this guy my number.  I don't know either.  It's probably because his profile picture is the logo for Mad Mex's Gobblerito, and I am about that.

I'm outtie :).  Hopefully something good happens to me in the near future so I don't go a month without writing again!  Bottling up one's feelings is never a good thing!

xoxo,

Katye